Lately I've felt compelled to share my story. Part of this is due to a sermon series I've been listening to over the past several weeks, but part of it is simply due to an idea. You see, I don't want my story to be wasted. My life has been mostly great, but I have experienced some level of tragedy. What is the point of making it through such things if we keep the experiences to ourselves? Often I feel compelled to share my story, but I find it difficult to find a captive audience. So here you are my friends...my captive audience. Read on if you like, all you will find after this point is the truth about me, and the experience that changed my life forever.
So I've had a pretty great life. My parents divorced when I was really little, but I don't remember it so its never really bothered me. I grew up in two polar opposite worlds. Both worlds were wonderful, and both taught me very valuable lessons. In one world I was an only child, the daughter of a loving but sometimes demanding father. In this world faith was emphasized but not as much as in the other family. In this world much of the world was embraced (this, of course, in comparison to the other world I lived in). In the other world I was the middle of four children, an environment that was full of love but easy to get lost in. In this world faith was everything...to the point that I often found myself feeling guilty about my failures. Both worlds were great to me, but on the rare occasions that these two worlds would collide I found myself confused and alone. You see, when you live in two worlds you never really fit into either.
Though I had an amazing family and was a generally happy kid, I often found myself feeling alone and out of place. This only escalated when, at ten, my world changed. In one fail swoop my mom moved to Oklahoma and my dad moved to Paso Robles, CA. Everything familiar was taken from me and replaced with more new than I knew how to handle. Suddenly I saw my mom and siblings for short amounts of time every few months. I was at a new school, in a new town, surrounded by new people I didn't have any relationship with. At ten, this was the ultimate in loneliness. I was confused by this transition and, consequently, turned to anything I could find to numb my pain. At ten this didn't look like the typical drug/alcohol scene, but rather a much more subtle line of choices. I turned to people but they only let me down, I turned to sports but it was empty, I turned to many things but none of them could fill the emptiness I felt when I was alone at night. Eventually I turned to the only consistency in my life...me. In a final attempt to protect myself from the pain of people, I pushed everyone away with cruelty. To this day I wish I could take it all back. For years my plan seemed to work. I was able to keep almost everyone away and avoid being scarred by any more relationships. The problem, of course, was that I was still empty.
If you had asked me at any point along this journey I would have told you I was a Christian. However, if you'd asked me to tell you who Jesus was I wouldn't have had a clue. As far as I was concerned He was just one more person to please.
After finally settling into a routine in my new life, change struck again. Custody switched and I moved to Oklahoma to live with my mom and siblings. Though I had visited often I felt like just that; a visitor. I loved my family and I knew they loved me but I felt like I was moving into a family's house for an extended vacation. This only caused me to further "protect" myself. I knew my family loved me but I still felt alone.
Now, allow me to cut into my story to assure you that I do not feel sorry for myself. Despite my loneliness, my childhood was wonderful. Few children are so blessed to have two families who love them...many don't even have one. I would not trade my childhood in for anything.
Ok, back to the story (its getting close I promise). So, I'm living in Oklahoma and I'm basically a jerk. Now if you remember, this is the world where faith was the focal point of everything...I thank God for this. My mom made me go to youth group Wednesday and Sunday nights and eventually I made friends and looked forward to going. It was here that I heard about an event called Acquire the Fire that was coming to town. Now I'd heard of this ATF event because it was where my brother had really committed his life to Christ. Mom found out about it and told me I was going, so that was that. I showed up for the event expecting nothing, and I left with everything I'd been searching for.
I remember very little of what was talked about at the event. What I remember is the worship. It was in worship that love found me. I remember vividly the moment when I met Jesus. I am by no means a religious person, however, nothing is more important to me than Him. You see, as I worshipped that night at ATF I found myself, once again, feeling totally alone. In one moment I felt the weight of all my pain crashing down on me to the point that I could hardly breathe. As I fell to my knees under the weight I prayed the only thing I could think of to pray..."God, if you really love me please let me see." As true as I am writing this right now I had the most real encounter with the living God that I've ever had. In the moment of my brokenness and surrender I felt the loving arms of Christ wrapped around me, holding me, as if to say "It's ok, I'm here." Never will I forget what it felt like that night as I sat on the floor and cried. Someone finally new me and understood me...and He still loved me.
I have experienced many subtle changes in my life, but this one was drastic. I was so changed that when my mom picked me up I had hardly entered the car before she looked at me straight in the eye and asked, "What happened to you?" Over the following weeks my family and friends were shocked as they witnessed a change in me that only a miracle could explain...and here I am, eight years later, the same changed girl.
Do I fall down? Of course. Do I still do stupid things? All the time. The difference is that I've learned to accept His forgiveness. And since that night that I first felt His love I have not been able to stop showing as much of that love as possible to everyone else. His love is not meant to be stationary, its meant to be shared.
I've spent many hours throughout my life pondering the big "what if." I've imagined almost any scenario possible. But it all comes down to the fact that I wouldn't want anything to be different. I like my life. I may not love everything about myself, but I love my life. I love my family and my friends. I love the wide range of experiences I've had. I love it all. I don't know what my life would have been like if it had been "normal" but I'm glad it is what it is. I'm glad I have the life I lead, and I can only hope that others find that same joy in their own lives...no matter how dire the circumstances seem. I am a firm believer that the Lord has ordered my steps and I fully intend on walking the steps He has me take. Whether it appears good or bad at the time, I know He's always got my back and I love Him for it.
So there it is...my story...the most important part of it at least. I have experienced many hard situations, but nothing so hard that His love couldn't get me through. If you are still reading, I hope you've enjoyed. Thank you for listening...I hope that something in this story has helped you.
